i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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