....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
