I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
