Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just want nice things and good sex
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
