I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
we made out on top of his cat.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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