he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
