dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
