"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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