FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Randomize
