drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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