He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
