I cannot find my penis.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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