She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
