I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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