How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
