Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
