I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
