6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
