i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
