It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
