I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Too much gin, very little bucket
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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