Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
