I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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