Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
