I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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