I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
