just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
