The maid of honor just puked.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
