1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
