apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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