Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
