I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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