I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
