I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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