Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
