he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
