This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
