your parents love me but you hate me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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