I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
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