What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
