we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
