Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
