I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
