My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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