Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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