He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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