Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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