You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
