Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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