It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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