just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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