My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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