You really coming over, don't trick.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
