Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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