can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
