Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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