I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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