3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
