Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
