I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
