I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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