By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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